I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
