Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
