And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
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