I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize