he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
