I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
okay pat passed out under dana's car
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
