I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
