Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
