people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
