: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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