I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
