he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
