I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
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I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
You took a bar mat shot.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
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The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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