i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Randomize
