I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize
