A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
