I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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