Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
