Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
