I think I am morally bankrupt
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
