this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
