So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
she smelled like a LAN party
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
BRING THE BAGELS
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Randomize
