My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
