Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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