She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
