I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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