Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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