You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
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So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
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His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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