im drinking this country out of the recession.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy