Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
We just shotgunned beers for America
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great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
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i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
They also submitted to my demands for pizza