Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
