Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
