im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
