chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
