Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
