I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
