Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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