thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
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and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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