i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
