I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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