is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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