My sheets look like a crime scene.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
