The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
