I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
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We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
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I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I want a musical about memes.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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