2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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