last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
