why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
