wrigley field is MILF paradise
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'