i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.