Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
