I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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