do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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