So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
