I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass