do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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