Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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