Please, let me fuck your mom
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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