I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
