so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
