It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I think a kid would responsible me up
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
