I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
