It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize