My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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