Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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