Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
