i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
