If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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